Letter to Brys and Kuru Qan

   Spoiler clearance: Midnight Tides

   Dear Brys, I still cannot believe the way you died. I mean, really? Buddy, when you looked at your boss, the king, didn’t you recognize the passing of those Five Stages of Grief – Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance? It was plain for everyone to see. Why didn’t you? Dude, of course he is going to kill himself! Come on!

   Don’t drink that!

   And Kuru Qan, wow... Dear Ceda, you were like Merlin, plus Gandalf, multiplied by Raistlin – but, you got killed by a lousy spear? Granted, a spear thrown by a very good spear-fighter, perhaps the best spear-fighter, but then again... a spear?

   Why wouldn’t you put up some wards around yourself, before that dreadful and essential confrontation? A simple ward, to prevent physical objects from striking you. I’m sure they exist...

   No?

   That’s it. I’m giving up on my magical studies, right now. Not worth it. Twenty years of hard work, endless training, memorizing those chain-words, and, then, some guy in a corner with a spear... Honestly, I’ll pass. Gonna switch to a major in Linde continuums, at Miskatonic. Nobody can destroy that but Yog-Sothoth!

   Spoiler clearance: Reaper’s Gale

   Two hundred pages into that seventh book now, and I admit to a bit of trouble with all those suffering people. Didn’t have as much trouble in Deadhouse Gates, when Felisin was in Skullcup. Why? Is it because Felisin became so bad-ass herself, so quickly? I do not know... But, little Kettle being raped, man, that’s rough. And Janath Anar, being raped / beaten / tortured by some evil Charlie Brown, that is painful to read. And what about this sweet teenager, Abasard? He’s so glad to have finally broken out of those filthy alleys in Drene, he’s so happy to begin a new life, out there on the vast plains – and to see him with nothing but a wooden staff in his hands, charging a K’Chain Che’Malle, in a desperate attempt to save his ten-year-old sister...

   That is fucking heartbreaking.

   Yet, it is not difficult at every page. Of course! Lots of great stuff. For example? You get Silchas Ruin! First time you see him cut down fifteen Letherii soldiers and four Tiste Edur warriors, you cannot help but to think: ‘Baby, we’re back!’ (Those guys suffer too, but what the hell, they’re soldiers.)

   How long since we last had someone from Rake’s family kick that much butt? Not since Rake’s own duel with the demon lord... in Gardens of the Moon!

   More than five thousand pages ago.

   Yes – we’re BACK!

Rusty Gauntlet

   Here’s the Rusty Gauntlet, thanks to Bottle, and Fiddler. First, mix the wine and rum in a regular glass, to showcase the drink’s ‘rusty’ color. But when you’re ready to drink it, pour it over in a nice old-fashioned pewter cup, if you have access to one. (Also available at Coop’s.)

   You won’t see me gobble up anything else, this Holiday season, not until I find out where you can get yourself a pint of real Malazan Dark…

   I wrote to one of my friends, and I said: ‘Next Saturday at the party, we’ll have a Rusty Gauntlet.’ He didn’t remember that little detail from the conclusion of The Bonehunters, so he went and made a Google search. Funny thing – Rusty Gauntlet has another meaning, completely outside the Malazan scope… So my friend said: ‘Thanks, but no thanks.’ And he included the other definition in his reply.

   My sanity was forever damaged by what I read.

   I vigorously suggest nobody makes that Google search. Ever again. Some things are better left unknown, for Errant’s sake.

   Let’s agree. A Rusty Gauntlet is a drink, invented by Bottle, and nothing else.

   Cheers!

  

The Infamous Northwest Passage

   The Northwest Passage was mapped by Belcher & McClure, and first navigated by Amundsen in 1906. But in the world of Malaz, it is quite a different story. The length and location of this strait are still very unclear.

   In The Bonehunters, on page 775, Admiral Nok is briefing Tavore: ‘South of that [i.e. Sepik], there is Nemil, and a number of lesser kingdoms all the way down to Shal-Morzinn. From the southern tip of the continent the journey down to the northwest coast of Quon Tali is in fact shorter than the Falar lanes.’

   Kartool is a good measuring tool – even if it sounds like my worst joke. Island’s big enough, but not too big. Now, the Falar lanes appear to be 6 to 8 Kartools in length. Thus, Shal-Morzinn cannot lay more than 6 Kartools from ‘the northwest coast of Quon Tali’. Also, Shal-Morzinn does not extend west of Quon Tali, because it’s ‘the journey down to’, and not ‘the journey across to’. We have to trust Nok. He knows his orientation. If you leave Key West for New Orleans on a ship, you won’t say ‘the journey down to New Orleans’...

   Those Shal-Morzinn fuckers must be really nasty. Because merchant ships from Quon Tali (the city) would have reached both Perish and Nemil easily, and a long time ago! Even a few Falari traders, why not?

   Anyway, Malazan geography remains a very frustrating topic... because of the Jaghut. We don’t know where the northern hemisphere ends, where the southern hemisphere begins. There are ice fields in Lether, in northern Genabackis, and on Quon Tali. Whenever you see a glacier, it is never a genuine one; it’s never, like, Siberia, or Antarctica. It’s always Jaghut.

   Damn you, Jaghut!

Cities

   The coolest of all cities ought to be Lamentable Moll, but someone, for sure, is gonna say it doesn’t count... Well then, the coolest is probably Darujhistan, – I’d love to be a Greyface, work those gas mains underneath the city. Two years ago I had this idea to maybe gather three or four friends for a little role-playing binge, not a big campaign, just a ‘one-timer’. Okay guys, here are your character sheets and guess what – you are all Greyfaces, and we’re gonna play one night of your hard work, that’s all. Get ready, though; lots of things happen in one night: this is fucking Darujhistan!

   Malaz City, of course, is also a very serious contender. One block’s got Smiley’s, Coop’s Hanged Man Inn, and the Deadhouse. Now that’s what I call an interesting neighbourhood. I’d be curious to meet the New Kids On This Block...

   Letheras is cool. Although, if you take out Tehol and his motley crew, the place is populated by a massive quantity of premium douchebags. There are not nearly as many douchebags in Malaz City and Darujhistan combined.

   So, to say it all in a different way: Darujhistan is like Iron Maiden... Malaz City is Black Sabbath... and Letheras ends up being Mötley Crüe.

   Just finished The Bonehunters. Seems like a pretty good time to start writing a blog about the Malazan Empire. If I had had the nerve to open my mouth earlier, well – that would have been preposterous (I think).

   Now, after the first six books, plus Night of Knives, and also four unforgettable Bauchelain & Korbal Broach stories, including Crack’d Pot Trail, I don’t feel like a newbie anymore. Seven thousand pages... Hood’s breath! This is like reading the complete works of Hemingway – twice!

   So, The Bonehunters... Regarding ‘that horrendous game’, like Oponn said. Out of the twenty-four cards dealt, there’s a few I don’t quite get. Who are Grub’s three friends, represented by Crown, Sceptre, and Orb? Also, before passing out drunk, why does Bottle gets Deathslayer? As for Fist Keneb, okay, let’s see: he gets Lord of Wolves – that’s the Perish; Spinner of Death – that’s the plague flags; Queen of Dark – the Empress; Queen of Life – probably the Eres’al; but then, uh, the King in Chains – that’s weird. Why Keneb?

   Everything Grub said on page 778 came true afterwards, except one little detail I don’t understand: ‘and the man with the big cut hands says yes.’

   Once in Malaz City, the Adjunct realises ‘enough of everything to be enough’, and then ‘the man with the big cut hands says yes.’

   Heboric? Or could it just be Crust agreeing to take the Wickans? Grub is usually accurate. That one’s a mystery...

   And then there is what Shadowthrone says to Tayschrenn: ‘You schemed with Quick Ben and Kalam. You travelled all the way to Seven Cities to do it, yet what have your plans achieved?’

   Damn, was there a plan in this gigantic mess? Really? Tayschrenn’s too smart for me, because I don’t see it. I’m clueless. In my humble opinion, Laseen fucked up big time, with all her Korbolo Dom and Mallick Rel shit. She lost an entire army, and her Adjunct, and hundreds of Claws – for what? A megalomaniac Napan, and some sneaky priest. I am at a loss for words. Well done, Surly.

   ‘What have your plans achieved?’

   Indeed.