GOP

   Spoiler clearance: Reaper's Gale

   Letherii... gotta love 'em. It's a fantasy world, but not that much. Really. You've got your Mitt Romney running his Liberty Consign, and you've got Madoff over in Drene. There's a Dick Cheney right there in the palace, handling poor Rhulad. And you even have good old Joseph McCarthy in charge of the Patriotists. Sometimes you feel really at home.

   Sometimes, you also feel like throwing up. Hood's Breath, isn't that damn Empire something?

   Quote of the Month:

            Desire for goodness leads to earnestness. Earnestness in turn leads to sanctimonious self-righteousness, which breeds intolerance, upon which harsh judgment quickly follows, yielding dire punishment, inflicting general terror and paranoia, eventually culminating in revolt, leading to chaos, then dissolution, and thus, the end of civilization.

- Bauchelain

The Nehemoth

   Bauchelain is a decent guy. Really. You’ll find worst types working at Goldman Sachs, to be frank. And Korbal Broach! I mean... the dude has a personal rivalry with Hood – how can you not admire that?

   Long live the Nehemoth!

Tattersail

   Spoiler clearance: Gardens of the Moon

   I personally knew at least four girls who were exactly like Tattersail. If I knew four, then there must be hundreds of them. Thousands. All these girls are more or less overweight. They’re very sensual – and love men. They sometimes indulge in quite a bit of self-loathing. And they’re serious about tarot, astrology, or crystals.

   Once you’ve got a character like that, you keep her... You even write a complete series about her. Seven books. Maybe ten.

   Why? Because, as soon as those thousands of girls find out they’ve got their very own kick-ass fantasy character – you are in for some real devotion: that fanbase is huge.

   Yes, pun intended... But it’s true nonetheless.

   Anyway, I love you, Tattersail. You’re real. You’re damn cool. And you were the very first character I fell in love with in this entire series – even before my good buddies Whiskeyjack and Quick Ben. I really miss you sometimes.

Homage to Beleriand

   Could it be that Genabackis was intended as some sort of homage to this earliest of all Tolkien maps? The two look very much the same... except these continents curve in opposite directions. But the rest is somewhat similar. Big inland seas, and there’s also the fact that the first colonists – Noldor or Malazan – both landed onto the northwestern tip…

   Maybe it’s just a coincidence, but I really dig that kind of mysteries. Like finding bizarre symmetry between Lawrence of Arabia and Dune. (There is one all right.)

Scabandari

   Spoiler clearance: Reaper’s Gale

   So, what exactly did Gothos use, back then, to create the Finnest? Was it a mask? A strange whip? I know an old manservant, in Letheras, who probably remembers very well.

   If Redmask is indeed inhabited by the lost spirit of Scabandari, it increases the meaning of that statement: ‘It is the way of time, for old enemies to find peace in the passing of ages.’

   Scabandari Bloodeye – the victor of the K’Chain Che’Malle – is possibly Redmask now – this guy who fights alongside two K’Chain Che’Malle! (Or... could Sag’Churok be secretly up to something?)

Shadowthrone

   Spoiler clearance: Reaper’s Gale

   Shadowthrone is ten pounds of fun in a five pound bag. Really. I love him. He’s the godly version of Orson Welles. So funny. When he speaks about the Nameless Ones, he says: ‘The Nameless Idiots’. And he says for Hood’s sake, even when he is physically in the presence of Hood – and then says: ‘Oops—’

   He tries to open his Warren, while still holding on to Kalam’s otataral knife... and mumbles: ‘Absurd! I must walk!’

   Temper bursts out of Coop’s with his big armour donned; Shadowthrone freaks, and flees the scene! Why? I have no idea... but I almost choked laughing. Fucking hilarious.

   Finally, Shadowthrone is so pumped up on caffeine (or something), he can quite easily be afraid of his own laughter: see page 1166 of The Bonehunters...

   The god allowed himself a small, dry laugh. Then ducked as it came out louder than he had intended.

Letter to Brys and Kuru Qan

   Spoiler clearance: Midnight Tides

   Dear Brys, I still cannot believe the way you died. I mean, really? Buddy, when you looked at your boss, the king, didn’t you recognize the passing of those Five Stages of Grief – Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance? It was plain for everyone to see. Why didn’t you? Dude, of course he is going to kill himself! Come on!

   Don’t drink that!

   And Kuru Qan, wow... Dear Ceda, you were like Merlin, plus Gandalf, multiplied by Raistlin – but, you got killed by a lousy spear? Granted, a spear thrown by a very good spear-fighter, perhaps the best spear-fighter, but then again... a spear?

   Why wouldn’t you put up some wards around yourself, before that dreadful and essential confrontation? A simple ward, to prevent physical objects from striking you. I’m sure they exist...

   No?

   That’s it. I’m giving up on my magical studies, right now. Not worth it. Twenty years of hard work, endless training, memorizing those chain-words, and, then, some guy in a corner with a spear... Honestly, I’ll pass. Gonna switch to a major in Linde continuums, at Miskatonic. Nobody can destroy that but Yog-Sothoth!

   Spoiler clearance: Reaper’s Gale

   Two hundred pages into that seventh book now, and I admit to a bit of trouble with all those suffering people. Didn’t have as much trouble in Deadhouse Gates, when Felisin was in Skullcup. Why? Is it because Felisin became so bad-ass herself, so quickly? I do not know... But, little Kettle being raped, man, that’s rough. And Janath Anar, being raped / beaten / tortured by some evil Charlie Brown, that is painful to read. And what about this sweet teenager, Abasard? He’s so glad to have finally broken out of those filthy alleys in Drene, he’s so happy to begin a new life, out there on the vast plains – and to see him with nothing but a wooden staff in his hands, charging a K’Chain Che’Malle, in a desperate attempt to save his ten-year-old sister...

   That is fucking heartbreaking.

   Yet, it is not difficult at every page. Of course! Lots of great stuff. For example? You get Silchas Ruin! First time you see him cut down fifteen Letherii soldiers and four Tiste Edur warriors, you cannot help but to think: ‘Baby, we’re back!’ (Those guys suffer too, but what the hell, they’re soldiers.)

   How long since we last had someone from Rake’s family kick that much butt? Not since Rake’s own duel with the demon lord... in Gardens of the Moon!

   More than five thousand pages ago.

   Yes – we’re BACK!

Rusty Gauntlet

   Here’s the Rusty Gauntlet, thanks to Bottle, and Fiddler. First, mix the wine and rum in a regular glass, to showcase the drink’s ‘rusty’ color. But when you’re ready to drink it, pour it over in a nice old-fashioned pewter cup, if you have access to one. (Also available at Coop’s.)

   You won’t see me gobble up anything else, this Holiday season, not until I find out where you can get yourself a pint of real Malazan Dark…

   I wrote to one of my friends, and I said: ‘Next Saturday at the party, we’ll have a Rusty Gauntlet.’ He didn’t remember that little detail from the conclusion of The Bonehunters, so he went and made a Google search. Funny thing – Rusty Gauntlet has another meaning, completely outside the Malazan scope… So my friend said: ‘Thanks, but no thanks.’ And he included the other definition in his reply.

   My sanity was forever damaged by what I read.

   I vigorously suggest nobody makes that Google search. Ever again. Some things are better left unknown, for Errant’s sake.

   Let’s agree. A Rusty Gauntlet is a drink, invented by Bottle, and nothing else.

   Cheers!